recuperating

I know you. I created you. I am creating you. I have loved you from your mothers womb. You have fled as you know from my love. But I love you nevertheless and not the less however you flee, It is I who sustain your very power of fleeing, and I will never finally let you go. I accept you as you are. You are forgiven. I know all your sufferings. I have always known them. For beyond your understanding, when you suffer, I suffer. I also know all the tricks by which you try to hide the ugliness you have made of your life from yourself and others. But you are beautiful. You are beautiful more deeply within than you can see. You are beautiful because you yourself in the unique one that only you are reflect already something of the beauty of my holiness in a way which shall become through the transforming power of my love you shall become perfectly beautiful. You shall become perfectly beautiful in a uniquely irreplaceable way which neither you nor I will work out alone.

This is a passage from the book of Psalms. I am given comfort now by reading this. Oh, it won't be in a day or in a week for me to heal. But at long last I am home...and for now to immersed myself in the presence of my family though not perfect will suffice...I know how selfish it is but I long for my mom and her comfort...no need for words, no need to be a beggar for love...the assurance has always been there. In time everything will unfold...in time I would find the answer to the sign I seek. It would be so exhausting to reiterate but yes, the reason for all these has to do with falling in love, learning to love , and still loving...but I want to forgive too...want to find trust and security...and only if he knew...this time I want him..I need to see him fight for me...just this once...if only he is reading this...he will find ways to be with you no matter the odds, no matter  if he has nothing...even if only he has his love for me and his dream that would be more than enough...but please let me see him fight for me. Solely for me. For him. For us...and possibly his hope that we will be together won't be just wishful thinking...I could not stand and keep up alone...I too need to be taken cared of too...if only this time he knew that his decisions too would matter...he has the choice to keep all the promises he made...I did choose to begin with ...to be physically apart from him and I took the risk hoping now he will find a way to be with me..if only