I have always envied those who are strong enough to let go of someone, of any relationship, of things that made them unhappy. Most of the time you put on a face. It would seem that you are still doing okay but as each time passes that wound keeps on wounding all wounds. I have no one to talk to so it doesn't matter if I write everything so at least the universe can hear me. Hey! Universe, all you need to do is listen and maybe you would be kind enough to send me a sign. Phew! Signs. One shouldn't be too religious, too dependent on waiting for an answer from out of nowhere. I miss myself. I miss you Glor. I miss you Ping2x. I miss all the beliefs and the grounds you believe in. I miss falling in love! I miss loving someone like I used to. It was when you could love as if today is your last day on earth. When you love without expecting nothing in return but the mere joy in just loving yourself for loving someone.
When trust is broken would there be a way to put them together? When all your truth and security is shaken would there be a way to hold again unto something and fasten yourself so you won't fall.fall and then fall so deep. So deep you don't know the way out. Why is it so hard to just let go? Why is it hard to really say goodbye for good? Why is it hard to move on for your own happiness? Is it because you might hurt that person? But would it be more frustrating... hurting each other more if I don't find myself again...
SOME POETRY
-dawn-
my fingers struggling to create words
my soul trying to illuminate the truth I hide
when the heart is dead now I'm waiting to be fed...
ping2x
- sampaguita bluez-
"sinco lang sampaguita...hatagan baynte.
wala sukli ."
i lingered for awhile in her lil eyes and she understood.
she walked away
but the jasmine scent enthralled me .encircling it in my wrist
next, i wait for him and the scent played in my nostril...drifting me
i'm drifting..my thoughs back on the sampaguita...
"imu na sukli"
( a memory outside the Sto.Nino Church, Cebu City)
Ping2x
Happy Happy Me !!!
There are many ways for people to be unhappy, but happy people have common characteristics. That’s why a good way to be happy is to learn the common characteristics of happy people and apply them.
So I studied what the great minds in history say about being happy. I went through hundreds of quotes on being happy and extracted the best lessons out of them. Not only are these lessons useful, they are also timeless in nature.
Here I’d like to share what I learned with you. Without further ado, here are 17 timeless secrets of happy people:
1. Forget the past
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.Rita Mae Brown
You won’t be happy if you carry the burden of the past. Did you make mistakes? Did you have terrible experiences? Whatever they are, you should let them go. There’s nothing you can do about the past, so you’d better let them go and focus your energy on the present.
2. Take responsibility for your life
The secret of Happiness is Freedom, and the secret of Freedom, Courage.Thucydides
To be happy you should have freedom and the most essential freedom is the freedom to choose. No matter how bad a situation is, you can always choose how you respond to it. People can annoy you, but it’s up to you whether or not you will resent.
But, as the quote above says, freedom takes courage. Freedom to choose requires the courage to take responsibility for your life. You shouldn’t blame someone else when something goes wrong. Take the responsibility and you have the power to choose.
3. Build relationships
Life’s truest happiness is found in friendships we make along the way.Unknown
Relationships is where we can get true happiness in life. The reason is simple: only through relationships can we love and be loved. Make relationships your top priority and you are on your way to true happiness.
4. Develop multiple passions
The more passions and desires one has, the more ways one has of being happy.Charlotte-Catherine
Passions lead you to happiness. So not only should you discover your multiple passions, you should also expand yourself to new passions. This way you will create new ways to happiness.
The key to expanding to new passions is curiosity. If you are curious, you will have an endless stream of exciting things waiting for you.
5. Build your character
Character is the basis of happiness and happiness the sanction of character.George Santayana
Building your character is essential for happiness. When you are true to yourself and others, you will be in peace.
The way to start building character is by making promises and keeping them. For example, you make promise to yourself that you won’t smoke. When you keep it, you are building your character. Or you make promise to others to be punctual. When you keep it, you build your character.
6. Be who you are
The summit of happiness is reached when a person is ready to be what he is.Desiderius Erasmus
You can only be happy if you become who you are. Don’t live other people’s life by trying to meet their expectations. People may expect you to have certain job or certain way of living but don’t be intimidated by them. Find who you are and be yourself.
7. Live your life purpose
The only true happiness comes from squandering ourselves for a purpose.William Cowper
To have a fulfilling life, you should find your life purpose and follow it faithfully. Find what matters to you and build the courage to follow it. Having a one-liner will help you internalize and communicate your mission.
8. Count your blessings
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.Unknown
Being happy is easy if we are grateful. Unfortunately, seeing what we don’t have is often easier than seeing what we have. Sometimes we need to experience loss before appreciating what we have. So don’t take things for granted. Look at what you have and soon you will have plenty of reasons to be happy. You may start with these simple things.
9. Have positive mind
It is not the place, nor the condition, but the mind alone that can make anyone happy or miserable.Roger L’Estrange
Happy people know how to control their mind. They don’t let negative thoughts come in. While a situation may seem bad to others, happy people look at them in a positive way. They always believe that no matter how bad a situation seems, there is always something positive to take from it. Your mind can make or break you, so guard it well.
10. Work creatively
Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort.Franklin D. Roosevelt
When you work creatively on something you will find happiness. There is a well-known phenomenon regarding this called flow. When you are in the state of flow, you are fully focused on the task at hand that you no longer realize the passage of time. This state of flow allows you to achieve high productivity and being happy at the same time. Here are some tips to achieve it.
11. Start with what you have
The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.James Oppenheim
Happy people don’t need something they don’t have to be happy. They don’t need certain job or certain level of income. Instead, they learn to be happy with what they already have. They have learned the art of contentment. Be content with what you have and you will be happy.
12. Change
They must often change who would be constant in happiness or wisdom.Confucius
Being happy requires you to constantly grow. In fact, the process of learning itself is essential for happiness. Have you ever felt the excitement of being enlightened about something? Have you ever felt the excitement of achieving a new level in life? Top 10 Things You Should Change in Your Lifegives you some practical tips on changing your life.
13. Use your talents
True happiness involves the full use of one’s power and talents.Douglas Pagels
There are two lessons to take from this quote. First, you should find your talents and second, you should use them to the fullest. Working in your talents is a sure way to enjoy your work because it’s something you are “hardwired” to do. Using your talents fully will make you even happier because of the satisfaction of doing your best.
14. Beware of small things
The happiness of most people we know is not ruined by great catastrophes or fatal errors, but by the repetition of slowly destructive little things.Ernest Dimnet
This is very true. Often it’s not big things that ruin your happiness. It’s the small things that do. Perhaps you don’t like someone or break some “small” promises. But even small leaks can sink your ship of happiness, so beware of them.
15. Distill your ambitions
Where ambition ends happiness begins.Author Unknown
While wanting to achieve more in your life is good, being obsessed by it is not. Do your best to improve yourself but don’t be obsessed by it.
16. Make others happy
Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is my favorite secret of happiness. The way to being happy is to make others happy first. The more you help other people and make them happy, the more you will be happy. Happiness doesn’t come through selfishness but through selflessness. You reap what you sow.
17. Practice compassion
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.The Dalai Lama
Compassion is perhaps the highest level of selflessness we could have. As this quote aptly says, practicing compassion can make both others and you happy.
But of course, it requires practice. Start with thinking about the people around you. Look at their needs and find ways to meet them. Even if you don’t do it out of compassion in the beginning, your compassion will grow over time.
***
All in all, this quote by Aristotle can summarize the lessons above:
Happiness depends upon ourselves.
It’s you who decide whether or not you are happy in life.
I choose to be happy. What about you?
 |
| and having tea is always relaxing |
 |
| would always bring a smile upon my face Thanks to this link : http://www.lifeoptimizer.org/2008/07/23/being-happy-secrets-of-happy-people/ |
Some Poetry
On Happiness
I searched and got google to answer it for me.
What the heck! This is the person I want to be
Cheers as I heal! Cheers as I find my bliss!
over a cup of rose tea...
over a cup of rose tea...
ping2x
(dedicated to my quest to be free from loneliness,from whatever is sad)
tonight i want to write a happy line....
by tomorrow i'll hold my peace
learning to let go and forget
not numb,not blank
madness...why is it so hard to get madness out of my heart
slowly as i docked on a new land (my hometown)...
i'll forget you
.............................................................................................................................................................................................................
Today I'm suppose to celebrate two occasions, it's Oding's birthday! my very good friend Oding and Lola's death anniversary...well it seems this page had become more of a personal spot for me to open up my thoughts might a well keep on writing, juts like an online diary...somehow it makes me feel better...a diary with a twist since I kept the reason of my pain and frustration in riddles...I know I would need a huge change, a change that would require great courage but honestly I don't know how. I'm in a limbo.Reason being, sometimes home is no longer the safest place to go back to, so my plan to go back in cdo would be hard. Next, if I stay here and look again for a job that would mean being with my partner- no turning back and I have so many issues being the girlfriend that possibly it would in the end tick him off! What I became because of his status and decisions...when all I really need is just a normal relationship wherein you have nothing to hide in the eyes of the public. The truth is I don't give a damn about anyone else but it does matter in the long run...it does matter and I have to constantly deal with it everyday. I envy couples who can just be spontaneous in doing what they like the most with other people. To be fair, I should say that he might know what I'm going through, but the saddest truth remains that he can't do anything about it and for how long..that is the question...maybe he is too insensitive to know that behind this bitterness is my frustration- am not jealous of any girls for the record as what he assumed but I am envious of what those girls have in their relationship that I don't have..right from the start it would have been perfect if he had done it right for me and for us from the very beginning...somehow it would take time to appreciate what he is doing to make up for me..damage has been done...my passion..things I like to do he has intentionally or indirectly causes me a lot of discouragement. Trivial it maybe.Yes, so true so shallow that I need to escape! taking pictures, jogging or kicking the ball, socializing with others became so fake! fake fake fake! I hate it! I hate what I have now because I hate myself for being in the "now" of who I am. The other plan by the way is just to maybe just drop everything off- If I can't go home because I have a mad brother threatening to kill us and not so perfect relationship,maybe by the way is just my imagination,he is fine. Am just not happy...so the other plan is to drop everything,forget what I have and find myself a new job and start anew! Just by myself. Reset my life and maybe maybe something new and good would happen...I'm just so scared.It seems I have nowhere good to go. I'm sick inside because the bitterness, the bad thoughts is eating me inside out...as i keep writing though,after cooking a meal for us before he goes to work...maybe I just have to smile and not mind my over analytical mind and remember I am loved...I just have to brush off maddening thoughts and find peace in all the blessings that I have...for now, I rest my case..just smile
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12:25 pm 16 August 2011
Good morning to me! To begin the day with my new found therapy since I find it in bad taste to confide again and again with my friend Oding, I might drown her again with my senseless emotional blah blahs.hehhe I know mine is overflowing but sometimes one need not be too generous of the bad stuff :) have to keep the good vibes coming in. The downside though am just being another prodigal friend again, not showing when you presence is expected. That what happens when I just want to keep things to myself and get extreme...I just don't want to get out of the comfort of home. Speaking of home, I guess i found home here with Jules. Me, typing and he snoring.hahahah.I really need to improve on my hibernation skills but what the heck! sometimes I really just get lazy . I get to shy away from people especially when I have a lot of things on my mind and that fear of feeling that they know you have alot of things inside your head but you try so hard to keep it to yourself and that makes it so obvious, right? hahah so that's why I prefer just being away for awhile ...aaah I miss painting..i did try two days ago with my new binded visual art diary with my nickname on it but my thumb still hurts everytime I write or draw...uhmm thats why typing is easier nowadays for me; gotta flex my thumb from time to time till it gets healed..Wow! When i think about it, It's been a month now ...I wonder, does mama really care about my absence. I miss her and papa. I know what I want for myself , my destiny is at my hands...I just choose to be like this for now...I have always been different. I know i'll be okay...It's a beautiful day by the way.I have always loved how everything looks like after a a rain shower...peaceful,freshened up and that is how I want my soul to be..yup, momentary peace it is while playing angry birds, so ironic...I guess this writing therapy did work since I feel better now.
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1:44 am 2011 August 18
still flexing my thumb and the base up still hurts...the good thing I already have plenty of ideas of what to sketch and paint by the time the pain is tolerable.I'm thinking of the green fields, green green grass and bright bright sunlight...something like that. Sunny and bright. Sunshine for the soul...but when I meditate though, I keep seeing always a vision of the inner me..hmmm a lady in nude beneath the glowing moonlight...a beautiful glow of purple and iridescence of light ..pale yet strong ,a mystery yet lovely ...haha starting to be poetic about it..if I"m to be asked what would be the most interesting and somethng I want to have now in my life , that would be two things. If I can't paint I'll cook! Yes, I just realized that this is something I can be very happy doing for a long time. Maybe take culinary arts,since it has to be useful...I can always put a quaint ,very homey coffee shop but serve very very good food! Yey! my new found dream...want to cook and then still paint,decorate and I can just keep going on...it doesn't matter what I serve hahah..am sure everyone would love, pasta, pizza, adobo, making Filipino dishes, lovely coffee,choco, teas and and all kinds of beverages...and my coffe shop is filled with my paintings, nice view , open, airy and never forget to have good music....wow! I'm starting to dream again...at least I feel good thinking about it. Speaking of cooking, yeah yeah! I''ll be cooking tuna pasta.weeeee, of course after Jules and I finished a marathon. Jogging later and am looking forward to have a very sunny mind and heart :)
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2:10 am 8 August 2011
In pursuit of my personal happiness..now having milk and choco topps. Why is it that men can be so insensitive...would I have to deal with the constant struggle to win a fight over simple conversations even with the most shallow of things, like who should be ignored or accepted in facebook. Yes, right, that is one shallow stuff that can ruin a happy day. "sigh" with an even heavier and deep breath...would he even realize that this is the surface...there is more inside that is tearing me apart...trust is so valuable, I never realized till now that if this is broken...it's like a monster inside you,ranting for truth all the time...sadly, at the end of the day,you don't believe him that much anymore...uninspired! And ,as a natural course of my human craziness...I tend to look for what could make me happy...maybe if I let go now..just maybe I can be free from my self made torture...sometimes my heart and mind longs for something else...would search it from someone else, someplace else...and it's tragic to be like this...I try though to find that goodness,blessings in what we have but the more I think..the more it scares me to see that this could no longer be healthy and start to question iif everything that I've been through,did it made me a better person...is it worth it to stay or let go and experience something brand new...
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5:10 pm 21 august 2011
Today he just gave proof of how insensitive he can be. He could not make things better. He would always choose what can only make him happy and sacrifice me in the process. It's so little his choice made a difference...this convinced me not to given in then to his sweet nothings and words that such as love- he made it meaningless...for others it may seem shallow but all this time I'm seeking for him to make up for everything..and today he failed...he failed to choose me again...what's the point of being here, just to be stuck alone and wait till he finishes his game. If they are more important then ,fine, i'll give that to him...If i'm gone, I don't even think he would realize my value...well, you won't know what you got till it's gone...i'll just have to move forward, in two days time i'll be letting go and may the universe open up for me...receive me,annoint me and blessed my life anew..because no matter how much I eat my pride and brush off my complaints, he never learns...he is not making it easy for me..he would never understand and I seek for that love , maybe i'll just have to cross my fingers and stop crying and keep hoping that there is something better out there for me, that I deserve better...beacuse I am loved and capable of giving that love too
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5:05 am 23 August 2011
when you just want to let him know what you don't like, what you hate so much. I hate his soccer crowd and the girl who keeps on being irritating, keeping their pictures and videos so annoying, who does not even know how to play soccer! bullsh*t, excuse my french...I hated him for making me eat everything, for making see all the time how our relationship sucks...crazy I maybe but he made it so difficult, I plainly don't like being with them and I hate the thought that even if he won't admit it. The only time he appears interested in having me around with his team and playing soccer it's because he is a copycat! I deserve better..I'm plain tired of making him understand my needs...everything must come to an end
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12:54 pm 24 August 2011
It could be me. It could be my fault but nevertheless, a woman won't be like this if there are no reasons to...it will always be a sad affair...no matter how I try to lift up my mind and make things work out I was thinking if I don't care about the things he did to hurt me it's just thesame as allowing him to think of me as a fool and naive, not again..i just want to make a point...to make him understand...well, will it make me understanding if he is still keeping his exes contact info? what for? for what reasons...of course he can't explain that and worse of all keeping his new number using the dual sim phone i bought him...i'm tired...if cotton candy clouds exist and I can snuggle with it all day and eat their sweetness it would be a bliss...if only love cn be kinder to me...I know every relationship is not perfect but it does not mean the simple and basic things in a relationship is forgotten, as simple as having pet names for each other,endearments, as basic as having an anniversary date to celebrate,just a simple monthsary, celebrating your birthday with a surprise- but, I forgot our relationship is not simple,too complicated actually that I'm expecting anything more special from someone who can't give or who just doesn't care to give...am I asking too much, don't I deserve better...
==============================
1:10 pm 26 August 2011
And my dream to travel...I yearn to find myself in the scenic beauty of Europe! rome, greece, venice, paris- is it a country or city..I don't care...my heart and soul says I can, oh not only Europe but Asia too, I guess travelling asia is the most feasible one...just have to keep pn dreaming :) passport is soon at my hands and i was thinking about having a tourist visa , oh my, I am filled with awesome inspiration that this is possible for me and that I could get in and get myself a job in cdo's local government as well and in this way I know I'm in the right track...and as for my heart...I need to get by with a smile and see each day innocently...to embrace the offering of the universe...since I asked and I shall receive and ask for nothing more but goodness, prosperity, transformation...because life is beautiful and I want it beautiful for my papa, mama and four brothers, I want my life beautiful too. And, the bounty that life gave me today which I would never want to fail to recognize is the luxury of time- even if I'm not working now, I'm still so blessed with time and freedom...I savor all this.THank you Supreme being...
=================================
12:43 am 31 August 2011
and after Dumaguete- 2days and 2nights...it was worthwhile, I got to see Chatty and got to be with other people...but am so excited over getting my passport! August 31 is the day! Well,I really am crossing my fingers that I get to really use it. To travel and dream...the good thing about my heart and soul now is that it is aware of the wound- heartache crap! sometimes insecurity, my mind jumping to crazy conclusions that could ruin a couples day.hahah but on the bright side at least I have this alarm already inside me; it's like telling me that I'm more careful now, more expressive of what won''t make me happy...though it is always at the back of my head telling me that what we have is different from the others..still I can't help but be teary eyed knowing how much I miss for myself...sometimes I just say it out loud how I pine and long for a relationship that all you need to worry about is each other and plan out for the future...other girlfriends are lucky when the parents of the guy love them and the situation is easy and spontaneous because they have nothing to hide...a part of me is already damaged...what a weird word to use but , yes, I'm struggling back to regain the Glor who believes so much in herself, in her future, an inspiration and it hurts to know that I am one of the few who has to go through this pain and frustration and worse, feeling alone on this...I can't quite put my finger on it, it's hard to describe teh feeling that I want to convey, with what he's done that made me different , sometimes you feel less of yourself because of your status, it suddenly seemed that I'm a different person if I am in his crowd. I long to be carefree because that's what I am.Free Spirited! thought i am too sensitive at times and hide in a shell when hurt or judged but if i'm with a person that doesn't threaten and control that part of me I won't get bitter. I have always been curious about life in an awfully good way and I want to get a dosage of it!!! I do it in my courageous feminine ways! right now, what feels right is allowing myself to let go..i know i could be weak but an inner voice is telling me that it is time and it is a moment that i felt a lil bit of growth and confidence, in the end it won't matter...right now, if I leave and if time is truly on our side then destiny would allow him to be with me and even if I'm still here...my mind is now learning ,telling myself that Iam whole and complete and will regain the happy Glor that I am,"sigh" all I imagine this is all possible in Aluba...I can paint and decorate and make things bright for myself again... I don't want to struggle anymore...it should just naturally fall in place...like my pentagram I pray, ask and received and continually receiving so much prosperity, creativity, power, beauty, charm,positivity,good health, peace of mind,good people, material wealth, humor, love, life and light...and so much more goodness :) but to specific ,yes, a very good career in cdo's local government would be the best birthday gift, apart from my dream travel and having to buy a house of my own :) so mote it be and key word for the day, Free Spirited! I am free and happy and no one .not even the one I love should contain me and prison me with so much negativity in my life! Always, I have always been a survivor and what made me beautiful was always the thought of that love within and the love bursting forth from the Universe...my transformation
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6:23 pm 08 September 2011
And I have felt his love...he does love me after all...still,I need to do a lot of thinking to stay but it doesn't matter...where ever I will be I know we will be together...
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10:27 am 12 September 2011
And I need to heal myself..finding little ways to make things better...to soothe me because I miss him so much it hurts...his call just right now made me feel better...and off to lunch with mama and tender loving care for my toes(pedicure hehehe)...and of course this month is truly for me. truly a blessing ones I get my goal to work here cdo, yes, i'm back on cdo and I''m loving my white painted room so far...fresh smell of paint and neatness..I can't wait to decorate it...but everything make sense having my room if I get mself back on track and work here...pls pls universe! hear me and I'm doing my best to get it...
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10:29 p, 18 SEptember 2011
...desperate, hoping the cosmos, universe, the divine would soooon shape my destiny as hoped, hoping so much it would answer my career plans here...i need it so baaad...also, i'm trying hard not feel so alone or lonely for him..in time, destiny would be clearer, if that love is truly there for you , i guess it will stay, both of you would hang on to each other no matter what the odds..a leap of faith for me, great strength of character that I need to pull up from the bottom of shattered ego , bruises. self-made hurt and I realize as I continue to write that my paranoia for the imagined was the reason for my madness...oh, cure- i have my plan, devious, yes. but am sure , you guess it right, I'd find ways still to be with the one I love...but hopefully our plans is put in place as soon as I have settled my goal here...love and faith are my keywords for tonight...
(dedicated to my quest to be free from loneliness,from whatever is sad)
tonight i want to write a happy line....
by tomorrow i'll hold my peace
learning to let go and forget
not numb,not blank
madness...why is it so hard to get madness out of my heart
slowly as i docked on a new land (my hometown)...
i'll forget you
.............................................................................................................................................................................................................
9:37 pm august 15 2011
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12:25 pm 16 August 2011
Good morning to me! To begin the day with my new found therapy since I find it in bad taste to confide again and again with my friend Oding, I might drown her again with my senseless emotional blah blahs.hehhe I know mine is overflowing but sometimes one need not be too generous of the bad stuff :) have to keep the good vibes coming in. The downside though am just being another prodigal friend again, not showing when you presence is expected. That what happens when I just want to keep things to myself and get extreme...I just don't want to get out of the comfort of home. Speaking of home, I guess i found home here with Jules. Me, typing and he snoring.hahahah.I really need to improve on my hibernation skills but what the heck! sometimes I really just get lazy . I get to shy away from people especially when I have a lot of things on my mind and that fear of feeling that they know you have alot of things inside your head but you try so hard to keep it to yourself and that makes it so obvious, right? hahah so that's why I prefer just being away for awhile ...aaah I miss painting..i did try two days ago with my new binded visual art diary with my nickname on it but my thumb still hurts everytime I write or draw...uhmm thats why typing is easier nowadays for me; gotta flex my thumb from time to time till it gets healed..Wow! When i think about it, It's been a month now ...I wonder, does mama really care about my absence. I miss her and papa. I know what I want for myself , my destiny is at my hands...I just choose to be like this for now...I have always been different. I know i'll be okay...It's a beautiful day by the way.I have always loved how everything looks like after a a rain shower...peaceful,freshened up and that is how I want my soul to be..yup, momentary peace it is while playing angry birds, so ironic...I guess this writing therapy did work since I feel better now.
===================================================================================
1:44 am 2011 August 18
still flexing my thumb and the base up still hurts...the good thing I already have plenty of ideas of what to sketch and paint by the time the pain is tolerable.I'm thinking of the green fields, green green grass and bright bright sunlight...something like that. Sunny and bright. Sunshine for the soul...but when I meditate though, I keep seeing always a vision of the inner me..hmmm a lady in nude beneath the glowing moonlight...a beautiful glow of purple and iridescence of light ..pale yet strong ,a mystery yet lovely ...haha starting to be poetic about it..if I"m to be asked what would be the most interesting and somethng I want to have now in my life , that would be two things. If I can't paint I'll cook! Yes, I just realized that this is something I can be very happy doing for a long time. Maybe take culinary arts,since it has to be useful...I can always put a quaint ,very homey coffee shop but serve very very good food! Yey! my new found dream...want to cook and then still paint,decorate and I can just keep going on...it doesn't matter what I serve hahah..am sure everyone would love, pasta, pizza, adobo, making Filipino dishes, lovely coffee,choco, teas and and all kinds of beverages...and my coffe shop is filled with my paintings, nice view , open, airy and never forget to have good music....wow! I'm starting to dream again...at least I feel good thinking about it. Speaking of cooking, yeah yeah! I''ll be cooking tuna pasta.weeeee, of course after Jules and I finished a marathon. Jogging later and am looking forward to have a very sunny mind and heart :)
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2:10 am 8 August 2011
In pursuit of my personal happiness..now having milk and choco topps. Why is it that men can be so insensitive...would I have to deal with the constant struggle to win a fight over simple conversations even with the most shallow of things, like who should be ignored or accepted in facebook. Yes, right, that is one shallow stuff that can ruin a happy day. "sigh" with an even heavier and deep breath...would he even realize that this is the surface...there is more inside that is tearing me apart...trust is so valuable, I never realized till now that if this is broken...it's like a monster inside you,ranting for truth all the time...sadly, at the end of the day,you don't believe him that much anymore...uninspired! And ,as a natural course of my human craziness...I tend to look for what could make me happy...maybe if I let go now..just maybe I can be free from my self made torture...sometimes my heart and mind longs for something else...would search it from someone else, someplace else...and it's tragic to be like this...I try though to find that goodness,blessings in what we have but the more I think..the more it scares me to see that this could no longer be healthy and start to question iif everything that I've been through,did it made me a better person...is it worth it to stay or let go and experience something brand new...
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5:10 pm 21 august 2011
Today he just gave proof of how insensitive he can be. He could not make things better. He would always choose what can only make him happy and sacrifice me in the process. It's so little his choice made a difference...this convinced me not to given in then to his sweet nothings and words that such as love- he made it meaningless...for others it may seem shallow but all this time I'm seeking for him to make up for everything..and today he failed...he failed to choose me again...what's the point of being here, just to be stuck alone and wait till he finishes his game. If they are more important then ,fine, i'll give that to him...If i'm gone, I don't even think he would realize my value...well, you won't know what you got till it's gone...i'll just have to move forward, in two days time i'll be letting go and may the universe open up for me...receive me,annoint me and blessed my life anew..because no matter how much I eat my pride and brush off my complaints, he never learns...he is not making it easy for me..he would never understand and I seek for that love , maybe i'll just have to cross my fingers and stop crying and keep hoping that there is something better out there for me, that I deserve better...beacuse I am loved and capable of giving that love too
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5:05 am 23 August 2011
when you just want to let him know what you don't like, what you hate so much. I hate his soccer crowd and the girl who keeps on being irritating, keeping their pictures and videos so annoying, who does not even know how to play soccer! bullsh*t, excuse my french...I hated him for making me eat everything, for making see all the time how our relationship sucks...crazy I maybe but he made it so difficult, I plainly don't like being with them and I hate the thought that even if he won't admit it. The only time he appears interested in having me around with his team and playing soccer it's because he is a copycat! I deserve better..I'm plain tired of making him understand my needs...everything must come to an end
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12:54 pm 24 August 2011
It could be me. It could be my fault but nevertheless, a woman won't be like this if there are no reasons to...it will always be a sad affair...no matter how I try to lift up my mind and make things work out I was thinking if I don't care about the things he did to hurt me it's just thesame as allowing him to think of me as a fool and naive, not again..i just want to make a point...to make him understand...well, will it make me understanding if he is still keeping his exes contact info? what for? for what reasons...of course he can't explain that and worse of all keeping his new number using the dual sim phone i bought him...i'm tired...if cotton candy clouds exist and I can snuggle with it all day and eat their sweetness it would be a bliss...if only love cn be kinder to me...I know every relationship is not perfect but it does not mean the simple and basic things in a relationship is forgotten, as simple as having pet names for each other,endearments, as basic as having an anniversary date to celebrate,just a simple monthsary, celebrating your birthday with a surprise- but, I forgot our relationship is not simple,too complicated actually that I'm expecting anything more special from someone who can't give or who just doesn't care to give...am I asking too much, don't I deserve better...
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1:10 pm 26 August 2011
And my dream to travel...I yearn to find myself in the scenic beauty of Europe! rome, greece, venice, paris- is it a country or city..I don't care...my heart and soul says I can, oh not only Europe but Asia too, I guess travelling asia is the most feasible one...just have to keep pn dreaming :) passport is soon at my hands and i was thinking about having a tourist visa , oh my, I am filled with awesome inspiration that this is possible for me and that I could get in and get myself a job in cdo's local government as well and in this way I know I'm in the right track...and as for my heart...I need to get by with a smile and see each day innocently...to embrace the offering of the universe...since I asked and I shall receive and ask for nothing more but goodness, prosperity, transformation...because life is beautiful and I want it beautiful for my papa, mama and four brothers, I want my life beautiful too. And, the bounty that life gave me today which I would never want to fail to recognize is the luxury of time- even if I'm not working now, I'm still so blessed with time and freedom...I savor all this.THank you Supreme being...
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12:43 am 31 August 2011
and after Dumaguete- 2days and 2nights...it was worthwhile, I got to see Chatty and got to be with other people...but am so excited over getting my passport! August 31 is the day! Well,I really am crossing my fingers that I get to really use it. To travel and dream...the good thing about my heart and soul now is that it is aware of the wound- heartache crap! sometimes insecurity, my mind jumping to crazy conclusions that could ruin a couples day.hahah but on the bright side at least I have this alarm already inside me; it's like telling me that I'm more careful now, more expressive of what won''t make me happy...though it is always at the back of my head telling me that what we have is different from the others..still I can't help but be teary eyed knowing how much I miss for myself...sometimes I just say it out loud how I pine and long for a relationship that all you need to worry about is each other and plan out for the future...other girlfriends are lucky when the parents of the guy love them and the situation is easy and spontaneous because they have nothing to hide...a part of me is already damaged...what a weird word to use but , yes, I'm struggling back to regain the Glor who believes so much in herself, in her future, an inspiration and it hurts to know that I am one of the few who has to go through this pain and frustration and worse, feeling alone on this...I can't quite put my finger on it, it's hard to describe teh feeling that I want to convey, with what he's done that made me different , sometimes you feel less of yourself because of your status, it suddenly seemed that I'm a different person if I am in his crowd. I long to be carefree because that's what I am.Free Spirited! thought i am too sensitive at times and hide in a shell when hurt or judged but if i'm with a person that doesn't threaten and control that part of me I won't get bitter. I have always been curious about life in an awfully good way and I want to get a dosage of it!!! I do it in my courageous feminine ways! right now, what feels right is allowing myself to let go..i know i could be weak but an inner voice is telling me that it is time and it is a moment that i felt a lil bit of growth and confidence, in the end it won't matter...right now, if I leave and if time is truly on our side then destiny would allow him to be with me and even if I'm still here...my mind is now learning ,telling myself that Iam whole and complete and will regain the happy Glor that I am,"sigh" all I imagine this is all possible in Aluba...I can paint and decorate and make things bright for myself again... I don't want to struggle anymore...it should just naturally fall in place...like my pentagram I pray, ask and received and continually receiving so much prosperity, creativity, power, beauty, charm,positivity,good health, peace of mind,good people, material wealth, humor, love, life and light...and so much more goodness :) but to specific ,yes, a very good career in cdo's local government would be the best birthday gift, apart from my dream travel and having to buy a house of my own :) so mote it be and key word for the day, Free Spirited! I am free and happy and no one .not even the one I love should contain me and prison me with so much negativity in my life! Always, I have always been a survivor and what made me beautiful was always the thought of that love within and the love bursting forth from the Universe...my transformation
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6:23 pm 08 September 2011
And I have felt his love...he does love me after all...still,I need to do a lot of thinking to stay but it doesn't matter...where ever I will be I know we will be together...
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10:27 am 12 September 2011
And I need to heal myself..finding little ways to make things better...to soothe me because I miss him so much it hurts...his call just right now made me feel better...and off to lunch with mama and tender loving care for my toes(pedicure hehehe)...and of course this month is truly for me. truly a blessing ones I get my goal to work here cdo, yes, i'm back on cdo and I''m loving my white painted room so far...fresh smell of paint and neatness..I can't wait to decorate it...but everything make sense having my room if I get mself back on track and work here...pls pls universe! hear me and I'm doing my best to get it...
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10:29 p, 18 SEptember 2011
...desperate, hoping the cosmos, universe, the divine would soooon shape my destiny as hoped, hoping so much it would answer my career plans here...i need it so baaad...also, i'm trying hard not feel so alone or lonely for him..in time, destiny would be clearer, if that love is truly there for you , i guess it will stay, both of you would hang on to each other no matter what the odds..a leap of faith for me, great strength of character that I need to pull up from the bottom of shattered ego , bruises. self-made hurt and I realize as I continue to write that my paranoia for the imagined was the reason for my madness...oh, cure- i have my plan, devious, yes. but am sure , you guess it right, I'd find ways still to be with the one I love...but hopefully our plans is put in place as soon as I have settled my goal here...love and faith are my keywords for tonight...
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